Crackers!

I have been eating too many crackers lately. It is all I want to eat. Yesterday I think I only ate Ritz Bits sandwiches with cheese(totally bad for me....I know!) Today I can't stop eating Cheez-IT's, they are the reduced fat though. Hopefully this craving stops soon, cause I am needing to still loose 18 pounds. Well I would love to loose more then that, but realistically 18. That would get me down to where I was when I got married.

So Infant Development came out today and evaluated Sammy. I thought the eval went really well. He did almost everything they asked him to do. Besides he didn't color with a crayon, he ate it. And he didn't put the rings back on the thingy(you know what toy I am talking about with the five different colored rings). He has put one ring back on before, but not consistently. If this last thing hadn't happened I would not be stuffing my face with cheez-its right now.

Right as they were leaving the lady that was evaluating problem solving play and speech development said "You may see younger numbers on my section, don't be surprised by those. He just isn't doing much advanced play. But speech he is doing quiet well." I was caught off guard by this, because what are they expecting him to be doing? He takes blocks out of containers, puts the blocks back in, he even put the circle puzzle piece in the puzzle. I didn't ask any question because I felt like I would cry if I did. I am just getting frustrated that emotionally I feel great one day, but then something like this happens and I am sad again! I of course called Daniel right after and he said we know Sammy is a smart little boy and we just will take it one day at a time. It makes me mad because I know what my other kids were doing at one, and the girls were pointing and saying "Whats this?" But Joseph was not. Sammy talks WAY more then Joseph did. Joseph did "broom, brrroom" and Sammy doesn't yet. I guess in my head cognitively he was right at age level, but maybe he isn't. Though our PT/OT both have told me that they are amazed at how well he problem solves at his age. Daniel also said they only saw him for an hour so take that into consideration.

I guess we will just have to wait for the evaluation report. The social/emotional and vision lady said he was at age level in those areas. Of course we know that gross and fine motor are behind so would expect that. Though our ID director said she is going to go off both hands together.

Kiera's post today made me cry. So I started the day off emotional. It got me thinking about I was the mom who expected something to happen to one of my babies. I felt like we were playing with fire the last two "surprise" babies. Like how can you have five healthy perfect babies. But when they gave me Sammy, I was just so overcome with emotion because I knew that our family was complete, and we had five perfect kids. We still do have five perfect kids, but it is hard to not get caught up with what he may or may not be able to do.

I teach the five/six year olds at church and we do lots of fun hand motions to songs. Last week I had a mini panic attack it just hit me that Sammy may not be able to do those hand motions. I just try to bottle up my feelings, like on Sunday I just went to the bathroom at church and just breathed through those feelings and returned to be my happy self for my cute kids. But then today, I just feel like sometimes that cork comes off my bottle and I just feel really sad. In my head I know that we have so much to be grateful for. They tell us over and over again that he will walk, he will lead a almost "normal" life, but sometimes it is that, that worries me. How will he feel being almost "normal". How will he feel watching Joseph play football or run really fast, but yet be left behind because he physically can't do it. I am also so grateful that our kids start out so small so we as parents have some time to grwo into these things. I want to be the best mom to him, I want to be comfortable with his CP so he will be too. Okay off to eat more crackers......